My well-documented “hatred” of straight people comes to a head
I got this email yesterday. I wanted to pass it along because this exchange is common these days: A member of the majority accusing a member of a minority of reverse-discrimination because that marginalized person wants to have some sort of community or event or space that operates without the interference of the majority.
I don’t want to belittle the person who sent me the message, because it could have come from one of many of the dozens of people in the het/pan scene who get upset with the direction that the gay leather scene is headed, so his name has been removed.
For reference, what prompted this email was a discussion here on fetlife wherein I asked heterosexuals or people who are in heterosexual relationships to ask themselves why it’s important for them to identify with a culture that is primarily gay.
Somebody took offense to the term “het”, that I used to refer to the heterosexual leather scene, comparing it to the use of “faggot” as a pejorative. After I did a quick writing about privilege, the usual fetlife BS happened, somebody posted a big long nonsensical rant, and then I got this message:
Hi David,
I just want to point out to you.. you do realize you come across as a “het hater”?
Not interested in starting anything with you, but I fail to see how someone who claims to be an educated leatherman can intentionally promote a view that discriminates against people based on a sexual preference.
Can you please explain that?
This kind of view is exactly the same view (IMO) that attempted to suppress the gay culture .. and started the whole leather movement, just backwards.
I’d be interested to hear your point of view, perhaps I am missing something about what you are attempting to do here.
Cheers,
An internet male
What this is really about though, is my response:
Hi An Internet Male
To be blunt, cries of reverse-discrimination annoy me. A lot. They show a disgusting lack of awareness of privilege. But let me try and explain where I’m coming from:
The concept of privilege, in social theory, attempts to explain the inherent social advantages/disadvantages that any oppressing/oppressed group experiences. A straight white cis male is obviously much more privileged than a gay trans black woman, for example.
It is not a competition or a quantitative way to go about saying “gay men are less privileged than straight women”, but gay people are less privileged than straight people and women are less privileged than men and the ways that those privileges are displayed and integrated into society are different.
Keeping with the theme of the thread that caused you to write me: When a straight person compares “het” to “faggot” in their impact and meaning, it is and should be inherently offensive to any privilege-aware person.
This extends beyond pejorative words/phrases/etc, and it affects somebody’s worldview:
As white people living in North America, we can both say that we don’t see the color of skin, we only see people. Any visible minority doesn’t have that privilege. They live every day of their life with the constant reminder that they are not white. Sexuality works the same way: As a gay man, I am constantly reminded as such and I am forced to think about it daily.
This isn’t a woe-is-me worldview, it’s observing and acknowledging that there is inherent oppression in the world in which we live.
This all affects our experiences as individuals and shapes what we value. Individuals with shared experiences are inclined to feel a connection with eachother. What connection you feel with people who identify as Leather generally isn’t shared by gay Leathermen since we have a whole array of common bonds as masculine gay men that we don’t share with other people. Similar to Leatherdykes. Straight people in the Leather scene generally don’t share these experiences with eachother in any kind of meaningful way because they have not felt oppression for being straight. Heterosexuality is the majority.
So when the gay/dyke communities want their own space/time/place/events/communities, some straight people who deny their own privilege feel wronged or discriminated against. The same thing happens for trans-exclusive events, women/womyn’s events, events for ethnic minorities, etc. Members of the majority who are not used to being excluded experience it for the first time and, not having the life experiences that the minority has, cry discrimination.
There isn’t really any response to that though, other than “tough noogies”. As member of a majority, people have no right to cry discrimination when a minority wants to gather without outside participation. Cries of discrimination from straight people regarding leather culture are (and should be) dismissed.
Of course you’re missing what I’m attempting to do here: You are not and never will be a gay man. You do not share the same bond that I do with gay Leathermen and you never will. Therefore, the natural kneejerk response to us collectively as a culture wanting to let the het/pan scene do its own thing without our participation is likely, for somebody unaware of their own privilege, a cry of reverse discrimination. This doesn’t mean you are a bad person or that I hate you: It means exactly what I said it means.
So, regarding your ridiculously offensive statement that me wanting to be able to interact with other men like myself in my own culture without interference from the larger kink scene is akin to the mentality that causes oppression of homosexuality:
The difference between a minority wanting to meet, socialize, interact, etc without interference from the majority and the majority systematically trying to oppress a minority through legislation and social control should be readily apparent, I hope.
David
